Eleven Days And Counting.....

The emotions I am feeling now are very different than they have been in the months leading up to my mastectomy.  Thoughts that haven't come to me until now, that Im really having a tough time sorting through.

This journey actually started when I was fifteen.  I can still picture the doctors office, the room I was in, and the conversation I had with the doc.  She did my physical and then we went through my family history.  Then it came.  She looked in my eyes and said "I can't tell you how important it is to stay diligent with your monthly self exams.  With your family history it is not a mater of IF, but WHEN, and the most important thing will be to catch it early".  That dark gray cloud has loomed over my head for the last nineteen years.  I have been diligent, twice I have had scares.  Its a HORRIBLE feeling.

Like I have said before, I have been very proactive about my breast health because I have always had that doctors voice in the back of my head with how important it was to catch it early.  I not only do my monthly breast exams but I also go into my doc for a clinical breast exam every 6 months.  My breasts are pretty lumpy anyways, and so I have always worried I would miss something, so I go in and let someone do an exam who is trained on what a suspicious lump would feel like.  I think it was about 4 years ago that I started thinking about this surgery.  The biggest reason I wanted to do the surgery is because I don't want to ever get the diagnosis of Cancer.  I don't want my family to have to go through hearing that diagnosis either.  My children were my biggest motivation.  I never want them to have to worry about me.  I don't want them to have to see me go through any sort of treatment.  I want to do anything I can to protect them from that.

I started searching the web for information and anything I could find on the surgery I wanted to have.  It was frustrating because I couldn't find anything except the clinical websites that had all the basic information about the surgery.  More than anything I wanted to find a site that had more of a real life perspective, maybe some personal stories, pictures, etc.  My experience in California was basically a dead end, so I also gave up on the web search.  I started searching again earlier this year when the awesome docs at Madigan Army Hospital opened the doors to having the surgery.  Again, my search on the web kept coming up with the clinical sites and I was getting very discouraged.  I remember taking a moment to say a prayer, asking for some support and guidance in finding the information I so desperately wanted.

Shortly thereafter the answer to my prayer came.  It was like a huge bulletin board with blinking lights, I knew in my heart that God had a hand in finding the site I did.  I have mentioned before that I found a blog written by a young lady named April who was going through the same surgery and reconstruction that I am having.  Her blog was so amazing!  She wrote about EVERYTHING, describing in detail about what she was feeling before and after her surgery, she talked about both the physical and the emotional pain she was feeling, she even posted pictures.  As I read through her blog I felt so incredibly blessed.  It really helped me see what I might go through during this journey.

In the last several months, I have prepared.  I have made arrangements to have my Aunt Carol come and help during the first week.  She will be here to get the kids off to school and meet them as they get home from school.  Then Josh is taking leave the second week.  I am pretty sure that the first couple weeks will be the hardest.  I have been telling everyone that I am taking two weeks to recover.  During those two weeks I have told everyone that I won't be working, not to expect me at any socials, etc.  I have arranged to have meals provided by some of my awesome ladies from the ship, so my family doesn't have to worry about that.  I have started seeing a therapist to help me prepare as much as I can mentally and emotionally, as well as help me after the surgery with whatever comes up emotionally.  So yeah, I have prepared.

I have prepared, as many ways as I could think to prepare.  And now, with twelve days to go before the surgery, I feel like I am falling apart.  Panic attacks are coming on throughout the day with different triggers.  At times I have felt that I was on the verge of a total nervous breakdown.  So many thoughts running through my head right now.  Josh told me tonight to stop thinking about things that I cant change and things that we don't know if they will be an issue or not.  Its just the fear of the unknown.  One of the biggest things I am feeling right now is that when I wake up from the surgery I will be forever changed, I will never be the same.  I am worried that I am going to lose feeling in my breasts and that if I don't have feeling, will I feel like I have two foreign objects on my body?

The other thing I am struggling with is, where do I fit in?  There are lots of different support groups, message boards, websites, etc for Breast Cancer Survivors.  Don't get me wrong, that is AWESOME!  But what about those of us who have prophylactic double mastectomies? I can't find anything.  Its kind of discouraging.  In the past  I have felt so much comfort having the opportunity to talk to people on message boards and in groups to share experiences such as pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding, weight loss, etc.  So yeah, I don't know where I fit in, and that is hard.

This was a super long post, so if you have made it through the whole post, THANK!!! :)

God Bless,
Gretchen