Yes, you read that right! Over the last week or so I have been experiencing a lot of pain on my right side and the tissue expander feels like it has rotated or something. I can feel a hard edge across the front of my breasts along the incision scar. I have NO clue what is going on under there but when I lay on my back, it seriously looks like an alien boob! I am not joking! This afternoon I was laying on my back watching TV and was feeling around on my breast when I discovered the odd misshaped mess that was going on. LOL
I saw Dr. P on Tuesday and he agreed that it did feel and look a little strange but he didn't really know what could be causing it. He suggested that we do an expansion to see if adding some saline solution into the expander would help the shape normalize. Right after he finished the expansion it did look a little better and I went home hoping that we were on the right road and that the alien boob was just a temporary thing.
Unfortunately the way the hard edge was pushing up against my breast it felt like it had bruised the tissue inside and having the stupid expander moving against it really hurts. I emailed Dr. P and he decided that he will take the right tissue expander out tomorrow morning. He told me that if everything looks pristine when they open me up, he will replace the tissue expander. But, if there is any sign that there is a lingering infection he will not be putting anything else in there. Of course I am frustrated. I don't understand why things are not improving. I just want to start feeling better. :(
I will update you after the surgery, see you on the other side!!!
Showing posts with label prophylactic double mastectomy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label prophylactic double mastectomy. Show all posts
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Friday, September 2, 2011
Eleven Days And Counting.....
The emotions I am feeling now are very different than they have been in the months leading up to my mastectomy. Thoughts that haven't come to me until now, that Im really having a tough time sorting through.
This journey actually started when I was fifteen. I can still picture the doctors office, the room I was in, and the conversation I had with the doc. She did my physical and then we went through my family history. Then it came. She looked in my eyes and said "I can't tell you how important it is to stay diligent with your monthly self exams. With your family history it is not a mater of IF, but WHEN, and the most important thing will be to catch it early". That dark gray cloud has loomed over my head for the last nineteen years. I have been diligent, twice I have had scares. Its a HORRIBLE feeling.
Like I have said before, I have been very proactive about my breast health because I have always had that doctors voice in the back of my head with how important it was to catch it early. I not only do my monthly breast exams but I also go into my doc for a clinical breast exam every 6 months. My breasts are pretty lumpy anyways, and so I have always worried I would miss something, so I go in and let someone do an exam who is trained on what a suspicious lump would feel like. I think it was about 4 years ago that I started thinking about this surgery. The biggest reason I wanted to do the surgery is because I don't want to ever get the diagnosis of Cancer. I don't want my family to have to go through hearing that diagnosis either. My children were my biggest motivation. I never want them to have to worry about me. I don't want them to have to see me go through any sort of treatment. I want to do anything I can to protect them from that.
I started searching the web for information and anything I could find on the surgery I wanted to have. It was frustrating because I couldn't find anything except the clinical websites that had all the basic information about the surgery. More than anything I wanted to find a site that had more of a real life perspective, maybe some personal stories, pictures, etc. My experience in California was basically a dead end, so I also gave up on the web search. I started searching again earlier this year when the awesome docs at Madigan Army Hospital opened the doors to having the surgery. Again, my search on the web kept coming up with the clinical sites and I was getting very discouraged. I remember taking a moment to say a prayer, asking for some support and guidance in finding the information I so desperately wanted.
Shortly thereafter the answer to my prayer came. It was like a huge bulletin board with blinking lights, I knew in my heart that God had a hand in finding the site I did. I have mentioned before that I found a blog written by a young lady named April who was going through the same surgery and reconstruction that I am having. Her blog was so amazing! She wrote about EVERYTHING, describing in detail about what she was feeling before and after her surgery, she talked about both the physical and the emotional pain she was feeling, she even posted pictures. As I read through her blog I felt so incredibly blessed. It really helped me see what I might go through during this journey.
In the last several months, I have prepared. I have made arrangements to have my Aunt Carol come and help during the first week. She will be here to get the kids off to school and meet them as they get home from school. Then Josh is taking leave the second week. I am pretty sure that the first couple weeks will be the hardest. I have been telling everyone that I am taking two weeks to recover. During those two weeks I have told everyone that I won't be working, not to expect me at any socials, etc. I have arranged to have meals provided by some of my awesome ladies from the ship, so my family doesn't have to worry about that. I have started seeing a therapist to help me prepare as much as I can mentally and emotionally, as well as help me after the surgery with whatever comes up emotionally. So yeah, I have prepared.
I have prepared, as many ways as I could think to prepare. And now, with twelve days to go before the surgery, I feel like I am falling apart. Panic attacks are coming on throughout the day with different triggers. At times I have felt that I was on the verge of a total nervous breakdown. So many thoughts running through my head right now. Josh told me tonight to stop thinking about things that I cant change and things that we don't know if they will be an issue or not. Its just the fear of the unknown. One of the biggest things I am feeling right now is that when I wake up from the surgery I will be forever changed, I will never be the same. I am worried that I am going to lose feeling in my breasts and that if I don't have feeling, will I feel like I have two foreign objects on my body?
The other thing I am struggling with is, where do I fit in? There are lots of different support groups, message boards, websites, etc for Breast Cancer Survivors. Don't get me wrong, that is AWESOME! But what about those of us who have prophylactic double mastectomies? I can't find anything. Its kind of discouraging. In the past I have felt so much comfort having the opportunity to talk to people on message boards and in groups to share experiences such as pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding, weight loss, etc. So yeah, I don't know where I fit in, and that is hard.
This was a super long post, so if you have made it through the whole post, THANK!!! :)
God Bless,
Gretchen
This journey actually started when I was fifteen. I can still picture the doctors office, the room I was in, and the conversation I had with the doc. She did my physical and then we went through my family history. Then it came. She looked in my eyes and said "I can't tell you how important it is to stay diligent with your monthly self exams. With your family history it is not a mater of IF, but WHEN, and the most important thing will be to catch it early". That dark gray cloud has loomed over my head for the last nineteen years. I have been diligent, twice I have had scares. Its a HORRIBLE feeling.
Like I have said before, I have been very proactive about my breast health because I have always had that doctors voice in the back of my head with how important it was to catch it early. I not only do my monthly breast exams but I also go into my doc for a clinical breast exam every 6 months. My breasts are pretty lumpy anyways, and so I have always worried I would miss something, so I go in and let someone do an exam who is trained on what a suspicious lump would feel like. I think it was about 4 years ago that I started thinking about this surgery. The biggest reason I wanted to do the surgery is because I don't want to ever get the diagnosis of Cancer. I don't want my family to have to go through hearing that diagnosis either. My children were my biggest motivation. I never want them to have to worry about me. I don't want them to have to see me go through any sort of treatment. I want to do anything I can to protect them from that.
I started searching the web for information and anything I could find on the surgery I wanted to have. It was frustrating because I couldn't find anything except the clinical websites that had all the basic information about the surgery. More than anything I wanted to find a site that had more of a real life perspective, maybe some personal stories, pictures, etc. My experience in California was basically a dead end, so I also gave up on the web search. I started searching again earlier this year when the awesome docs at Madigan Army Hospital opened the doors to having the surgery. Again, my search on the web kept coming up with the clinical sites and I was getting very discouraged. I remember taking a moment to say a prayer, asking for some support and guidance in finding the information I so desperately wanted.
Shortly thereafter the answer to my prayer came. It was like a huge bulletin board with blinking lights, I knew in my heart that God had a hand in finding the site I did. I have mentioned before that I found a blog written by a young lady named April who was going through the same surgery and reconstruction that I am having. Her blog was so amazing! She wrote about EVERYTHING, describing in detail about what she was feeling before and after her surgery, she talked about both the physical and the emotional pain she was feeling, she even posted pictures. As I read through her blog I felt so incredibly blessed. It really helped me see what I might go through during this journey.
In the last several months, I have prepared. I have made arrangements to have my Aunt Carol come and help during the first week. She will be here to get the kids off to school and meet them as they get home from school. Then Josh is taking leave the second week. I am pretty sure that the first couple weeks will be the hardest. I have been telling everyone that I am taking two weeks to recover. During those two weeks I have told everyone that I won't be working, not to expect me at any socials, etc. I have arranged to have meals provided by some of my awesome ladies from the ship, so my family doesn't have to worry about that. I have started seeing a therapist to help me prepare as much as I can mentally and emotionally, as well as help me after the surgery with whatever comes up emotionally. So yeah, I have prepared.
I have prepared, as many ways as I could think to prepare. And now, with twelve days to go before the surgery, I feel like I am falling apart. Panic attacks are coming on throughout the day with different triggers. At times I have felt that I was on the verge of a total nervous breakdown. So many thoughts running through my head right now. Josh told me tonight to stop thinking about things that I cant change and things that we don't know if they will be an issue or not. Its just the fear of the unknown. One of the biggest things I am feeling right now is that when I wake up from the surgery I will be forever changed, I will never be the same. I am worried that I am going to lose feeling in my breasts and that if I don't have feeling, will I feel like I have two foreign objects on my body?
The other thing I am struggling with is, where do I fit in? There are lots of different support groups, message boards, websites, etc for Breast Cancer Survivors. Don't get me wrong, that is AWESOME! But what about those of us who have prophylactic double mastectomies? I can't find anything. Its kind of discouraging. In the past I have felt so much comfort having the opportunity to talk to people on message boards and in groups to share experiences such as pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding, weight loss, etc. So yeah, I don't know where I fit in, and that is hard.
This was a super long post, so if you have made it through the whole post, THANK!!! :)
God Bless,
Gretchen
Thursday, July 14, 2011
The Date Is Set
Originally the plastic surgeon and I were talking about doing the surgery in August. The more I thought about it I decided that it might be better if I waited until after the kids went back to school. I have been told that the first week or two is going to be the worst, and there is no reason for the kids to have to be here all day seeing me miserable. It will also give us the opportunity to enjoy our entire summer break. So, I emailed my plastic surgeon and told him what I was thinking and he emailed me back with a date. It is on the calender, its official, and the countdown has begun. Monday, September 19th is when it is going to happen. Reading that email and seeing that date made my heart start racing and I felt a feeling of panic coming over me.
I read April's blog a couple nights ago. (the lady who has a blog about her journey with this same surgery) She recently had her second surgery to insert her "Foobs" (fake boobs) as she calls them. She had her mastectomy on December 10th and had her second surgery on May 10th. Not sure if it will be the same amount of time for me or not, we will have to see. One thing that April has mentioned a few times is the emotional part of the process. It got me thinking that maybe it would be best if I started seeing a counselor now so that I can get a jump start on some help to possibly make this process a little easier. I am going to go see my counselor for the first time tomorrow. I have never really liked talking to "shrinks" in the past but I am very open to getting help now. This is going to be a very different than anything I have ever been through before.
I also emailed the general surgeon and asked about the possibility of doing the nipple sparing surgery. This is something that has been weighing heavy on me and wanted to get his opinion on it. He said that he thinks that it is very possible that they will be able to leave the nipples since I am cancer free now. They will have to move them when they do the implant surgery because they will most likely not be in the right place after the implants are put in. The plastic surgeon will need to do some "nipping and tucking" of the skin and will place the nipples in the correct place at that time. It is important to me to spare them if at all possible. I know I am going to have scars and I can deal with that, but I would love to have my natural nipples instead of a "fipple" (get it, fake nipple. lol) that they created.
So, that is my update for right now. I am so grateful for all my friends and family who have let me know that they are praying for me. It gives me so much comfort and I appreciate it more than any of you will ever know.
Gretchen
I read April's blog a couple nights ago. (the lady who has a blog about her journey with this same surgery) She recently had her second surgery to insert her "Foobs" (fake boobs) as she calls them. She had her mastectomy on December 10th and had her second surgery on May 10th. Not sure if it will be the same amount of time for me or not, we will have to see. One thing that April has mentioned a few times is the emotional part of the process. It got me thinking that maybe it would be best if I started seeing a counselor now so that I can get a jump start on some help to possibly make this process a little easier. I am going to go see my counselor for the first time tomorrow. I have never really liked talking to "shrinks" in the past but I am very open to getting help now. This is going to be a very different than anything I have ever been through before.
I also emailed the general surgeon and asked about the possibility of doing the nipple sparing surgery. This is something that has been weighing heavy on me and wanted to get his opinion on it. He said that he thinks that it is very possible that they will be able to leave the nipples since I am cancer free now. They will have to move them when they do the implant surgery because they will most likely not be in the right place after the implants are put in. The plastic surgeon will need to do some "nipping and tucking" of the skin and will place the nipples in the correct place at that time. It is important to me to spare them if at all possible. I know I am going to have scars and I can deal with that, but I would love to have my natural nipples instead of a "fipple" (get it, fake nipple. lol) that they created.
So, that is my update for right now. I am so grateful for all my friends and family who have let me know that they are praying for me. It gives me so much comfort and I appreciate it more than any of you will ever know.
Gretchen
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
My Journey Begins
Today I had my second appointment with the general surgeon. It was short and sweet, basically just went to get a referral to Plastics. He had gone over everything at my first appointment. They will try to do a Nipple-Sparing Double Mastectomy. The plan is that they will go in and take out all the tissue and Plastics will then put in my tissue expander's. Over the next few months I will go in for expansions until we have reached the implant size that Plastics and I agree on. I will then have a second surgery to insert the implants. Hopefully it will just be the two surgeries, if there is a need for additional surgeries it will be to fine tune things after the implant is in.
The general surgeon mentioned at this appointment the option to do a tissue flap implant in one or both breasts (most likely just one). I am not sure how I feel about doing that, I will need to do more research and talk to the Plastics team before I make a decision either way for that.
In general I am at peace with the surgery. I know that I have an amazing support system here locally and that I have so many people around the world that will be supporting me in prayer. Just because I am at peace does not mean that I am not scared. I am very nervous about the surgery and the recovery afterwards. I need to just have faith that God will not give me more than I can handle and that He will protect me through it all.
I have prayed many times, asking God to help me make a decision about this surgery. This morning I was given a gift from God. It came in the form of a message from my best childhood friend. She told me she felt that He was giving her a message for me. It was EXACTLY what I needed to hear today. Basically her message was "remember why you started looking into this surgery to begin with". In that moment I knew what the answer was. The biggest reason I want to do this is because I want to be around to watch my kids grow up. By decreasing my chances as much as possible, hopefully I won't ever get a Breast Cancer diagnosis. I really don't want my family to have to see me go through that.
Thanks to everyone who continues to show their support as I continue on this journey. I means more than you will ever know!
God Bless,
Gretchen
The general surgeon mentioned at this appointment the option to do a tissue flap implant in one or both breasts (most likely just one). I am not sure how I feel about doing that, I will need to do more research and talk to the Plastics team before I make a decision either way for that.
In general I am at peace with the surgery. I know that I have an amazing support system here locally and that I have so many people around the world that will be supporting me in prayer. Just because I am at peace does not mean that I am not scared. I am very nervous about the surgery and the recovery afterwards. I need to just have faith that God will not give me more than I can handle and that He will protect me through it all.
I have prayed many times, asking God to help me make a decision about this surgery. This morning I was given a gift from God. It came in the form of a message from my best childhood friend. She told me she felt that He was giving her a message for me. It was EXACTLY what I needed to hear today. Basically her message was "remember why you started looking into this surgery to begin with". In that moment I knew what the answer was. The biggest reason I want to do this is because I want to be around to watch my kids grow up. By decreasing my chances as much as possible, hopefully I won't ever get a Breast Cancer diagnosis. I really don't want my family to have to see me go through that.
Thanks to everyone who continues to show their support as I continue on this journey. I means more than you will ever know!
God Bless,
Gretchen
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