Sunday, February 12, 2012

Progress Pictures....

I have decided to post some progress pictures. I don't want people to HAVE to look at them if they don't want to, so I have made a separate blog to use for pictures and then I can include the link in a post here. That way people can continue to follow my blog without having to look at my breasts the way they are. Doing it that way will also keep this blog G rated. lol

So, here is a link to the first picture. It is from a couple days ago and shows my nippleless scarred breasts, :(


Thursday, February 9, 2012

Day 7 Post Op.....

Still have quit a bit of pain. I think some of my pain is from over using my arms. I am really bad about adjusting myself in the bed or even on the couch. I push myself up with my hands or elbows too much I think, so that could definitely be playing a part in some of the pain.

I am finding myself getting angry about the loss of my nipples and the length of my scars a lot. I have a feeling that the way my scars look have a lot to do with how upset I feel about my nipples being gone. It's just too shocking of a sight. When I feel myself getting worked up about my nipples I try to remind myself that they are gone, there is NOTHING I can do about it.

Sacrificing my breasts is something that not many people in my life can fully understand. Thinking back about my breasts, my fondest memory I have is of nursing my babies. I was not able to nurse my first born son very long because of lack of knowledge. I thought because he wanted to nurse so often, he must be starving. So I started supplementing with expressed breast milk and formula and at 3 months he refused the breast. There was nothing that was going to get that baby to take my breast. With my next two children was much more educated and breastfeeding was natural from the start. I chose to nurse an extended time with my second and third children. I had done lots of research and was aware that the longer I nursed them past the age of two, the more it would decrease my chances of getting breast cancer.

There is nothing like nursing your baby. Such a special bond to have with your child. I will hold the memories I have of my years of breastfeeding very dear to my heart. They are wonderful, happy, loving memories that nothing can take away, not even the loss of those very breasts. In fact my memories if nursing my children played a big part in me being able to move forward with the mastectomy. I courageously said "I have nursed my children, my breasts have done their job. Knowing my risk, I feel it would be selfish of me to keep my breasts at this point.". More than anything I wanted to be able to live my years, watching my children grow up, marry, and become a grandmother hopefully never having to go through cancer. If keeping my breasts would increase my chances of not being around for part of that, then TAKE THEM!!!!

I did it. I sacrificed my breasts. What has come in the months that have followed.....I could NEVER have prepared myself for that. Recovering from my fourth surgery in almost 5 months, it's exhausting! I hear over and over again, "You are the strongest chick I know!" or "I don't know anyone else so brave". I don't feel that, yet. I appreciate the kind words very much, don't get me wrong, but right now I am in the middle of a painful journey and I like so many days I just want it all to be over because it's "too much". That doesn't feel very strong, or brave.

So I am going to try to get comfortable in bed, and hopefully get some rest. Tomorrow is another day of healing, another day closer to less pain. Goodnight.