Saturday, June 2, 2012

Xanax? Yes Please!!


 In reading message boards and asking the DIEP Support Group on Facebook one item I saw talked about a lot was a hospital bed.  Many ladies said they rented either a hospital beds or a recliner with a lift.  Like I mentioned in my last post,  I found a used hospital bed for a killer price.  Tonight the sellers delivered it and as Josh and I put it in its place and put the sheets and blanket on, that is when I felt it.  My chest tighten, my heart rate increase and I felt myself start to zone out.  
    I want to run and hide.  Maybe this has been a 8 1/2 month long nightmare.  Someone come shake me while I hope that it will wake me up from this bad dream.  Tonight it is all coming back.  Seven slow motion rolls down the hallway, seven last minute prayers that God would see me through another procedure, seven times waking up in recovery in horrible pain.  Countless days spent in hospitals, countless days away from my family, so many days spent wondering where in the heck this all went so wrong.
    As I have told my story, over and over, to friends, family, strangers, I put on my pretty pink "brave cap" and portrayed a strong woman who could get through just about anything.  With each time I have shared my journey with someone, I speak through a rapid heartbeat, a feeling of panic from head to toe......but my voice somehow managed to finish the narrative each and every time.
     This time its very different than before.  I am FREAKING OUT!!!  In all honesty I don't know how I am getting through this minute by minute.  I have heard it......"You have so many people thinking about you", "Everyone I know is praying for you", "This time is going to be different", or "You are going to ROCK this!".  Sure, I know all those things are true.  But right now I am a weak, scared, tired, fragile, very uncertain girl.
     I HATE asking for help, and this time I really don't have a choice.  To everyone that has volunteered to help me and my family get through the next 4-6 weeks, I will NEVER be able to thank you enough.  I am going to need a lot of love and support to get through this, and I am truly blessed to know I will be surrounded by just that.
     Check in time is 5:30 AM on Monday.  Really?!?!?!  So we are making arrangements for the kids and we will make a VERY early morning trip to the other side of the water to do this thing.  I am going to spend the next thirty or so hours preparing physically and mentally as best I can.  Thanks again for EVERYTHING!