I'm trying so hard to be strong, but this pain is close to breaking me. The pain is unbearable most of the time. Nothing could have prepared me for the pain that is rocking through my body. Last night I had a pain wave through my body that was beyond anything I have ever felt. It started as a pinching pain in the side of my right breast. I pushed the call button and when the corpsman came in I had begun to cry already. I explained that the pain was building quickly. "Building quickly" was and understatement, the pain became more and more intense and my cries turned into sobbing, wailing, moaning and even screaming. The nurse came in and said she would need to call my doctor and ask what he wanted her to do.
For the next twenty minutes I was in hell. I was white knuckling the bed and crying out in prayer "PLEASE God, give me the strength. PLEASE Lord, bring me comfort." I was alone and while I laid in bed in excruciating pain, there were people in the hallway laughing and chatting. No one came to my side. In those moments, I have never felt so alone, and I have never felt so much misery. As hard as it is for me to say, I actually felt some suicidal thoughts. I wanted nothing more than for the pain to stop, and actually had thoughts of taking my own life. How is that for raw and real?
After what seemed like a lifetime, the nurse returned and me a double dose of the Morphine and well as a dose of Toradol. The relief came quickly and I was so grateful for the calm that took over my body. I still can't believe that with a ward full of caretakers, no one came to my side to even TRY to take care of me.
Josh, Carol and the kids came again tonight to visit. Seeing them really lifts my spirits. They were not able to stay too long because I was really struggling with the pain. I am exhausted, it really wipes me out. I am going to try to go get comfortable and see if I can rest.
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