10:00 am After being so careful about staying reclined and not doing anything that might aggravate the pain, I had another horrible experience like I did in the hospital. I think it was about 4:00 pm and I told Josh I wanted to go upstairs so that I could relax and maybe take a nap. I climbed into bed and was catching up on facebook. I was very comfortable and was enjoying how wonderful it felt to be in my awesome bed, surrounded by comfy pillows, and I felt like I was going to drift off to sleep.
Then it started, first slowly, the pain in my right breast. I knew it wasn't going to be good because it felt just like it did that night in the hospital. So I text Josh and asked if he would please bring an ice pack up to me, hoping that the ice would help the pain to stop escalating. By the ime he was at my bedside the pain was unbearable. I laid there hoping it would subside, but instead it just continued to get worse and worse. After about 15 minutes, I told him I needed to go into the ER. He rushed me in and fortunatly once we got there they were able to get me back to a bed and get an IV in me fast. They gave me pain meds as soon as the doctor was able to talk to me about what was going on.
They sent me down for a chest xray because I had been running a low grade fever the night before. Other than that, they just went over all my symptoms, gave me a little more pain medication in my IV and then sent me home and told me to follow up with my doc. I really hope that I never feel that pain again. On top of the fact that the pain is horrible, it's also very embarrassing to be breathing and moaning like I am in labor.
11:26 pm I feel so blessed to have such an amazing family and awesome friends surrounding me. The pain is still pretty bad. I am spending my days reclined. If I sit up or stand up for more than about five minutes, that is when the searing pain starts. Sometimes if I get back into my reclined position it goes away pretty quickly. Other times I have to put an ice pack on various spots to get the pain to subside. The pain has still not been under a 5 or 6 with some spikes that get up to 7 or 8. This pain is exhausting. I say a prayer every night that God will give me comfort and strength.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Day 4 Post Op......
11:00 am Today I am going to be very diligent about laying or sitting in a reclined position. It seems that as long as my chest is at about a forty five degree angle I can keep my pain level at a 5 or 6, which has become the level I am at most of the time.
2:30 pm This experience has lit a fire in my heart. I want to raise awareness about proactive care. It was so frustrating, when I was researching this surgery, to not find more websites that were more than just the clinical info. More than anything I wanted to read real life stories and see real pictures. All I seemed to find was informational websites. That was good, but after reading a few of those it started being the same information over and over again.
Through my journey, I am going to make things different for women who come after me on their own journey. Its scary to go into something this big without feeling that there are others out there that have been there and can support you through it. I want to start a website with message boards and more of a support network than only a informational and formal site. I just know I want to be very open about my journey in hopes that more women will find the strength to be proactive. I've heard over and over again that what I did was brave. Yes, the decision to have the Double Mastectomy was something I knew was a drastic choice, and something a lot of people thought was crazy. I don't expect every woman with a high risk to make the same choice I made. I just want to do everything I can to encourage the high risk women to do their research their options so they can make the right decision for them.
2:30 pm This experience has lit a fire in my heart. I want to raise awareness about proactive care. It was so frustrating, when I was researching this surgery, to not find more websites that were more than just the clinical info. More than anything I wanted to read real life stories and see real pictures. All I seemed to find was informational websites. That was good, but after reading a few of those it started being the same information over and over again.
Through my journey, I am going to make things different for women who come after me on their own journey. Its scary to go into something this big without feeling that there are others out there that have been there and can support you through it. I want to start a website with message boards and more of a support network than only a informational and formal site. I just know I want to be very open about my journey in hopes that more women will find the strength to be proactive. I've heard over and over again that what I did was brave. Yes, the decision to have the Double Mastectomy was something I knew was a drastic choice, and something a lot of people thought was crazy. I don't expect every woman with a high risk to make the same choice I made. I just want to do everything I can to encourage the high risk women to do their research their options so they can make the right decision for them.
Friday, September 16, 2011
Day 3 Post Op.....
2:13 am I woke up to use the restroom and deal with my drains. By the time I got through with all of that, my pain level was really bad. Now I am laying in bed, with tears streaming down my cheeks, silently sobbing and trying not to wake Josh up. Its moments like this that makes me wonder if I did the right thing or not. The pain is like nothing I have ever experienced before. It plays tricks with my head. I just need the pain to end.
8:00 am I just called the clinic and talked to the Resident. She changed up my meds a little and hopefully it will help with this pain. She told me to call back if it doesn't help and they will have to either figure something out, or they might have to re-admit me for pain management. I am hoping and praying that won't be necessary. I just want to be home with my family.
12:15 pm Applying ice to my breasts has helped. I am interested in trying to hot packs too today. I think I am going to make some cold/hot packs up real quick today. Rosie (my little yorkie) has been so sweet. She stays on my lap anytime I am sitting, and she brings me a lot of comfort, I am really enjoying having her close.
8:36 pm The pain is still bad most of the time. It is so frustrating because I really want relief. I've started sleeping more during the day because when I am asleep I don't feel the pain. I know I have said it already, but when the pain is the worst is when I am having negative feelings about the decision I made. I was not even close to being prepared for this.
8:00 am I just called the clinic and talked to the Resident. She changed up my meds a little and hopefully it will help with this pain. She told me to call back if it doesn't help and they will have to either figure something out, or they might have to re-admit me for pain management. I am hoping and praying that won't be necessary. I just want to be home with my family.
12:15 pm Applying ice to my breasts has helped. I am interested in trying to hot packs too today. I think I am going to make some cold/hot packs up real quick today. Rosie (my little yorkie) has been so sweet. She stays on my lap anytime I am sitting, and she brings me a lot of comfort, I am really enjoying having her close.
8:36 pm The pain is still bad most of the time. It is so frustrating because I really want relief. I've started sleeping more during the day because when I am asleep I don't feel the pain. I know I have said it already, but when the pain is the worst is when I am having negative feelings about the decision I made. I was not even close to being prepared for this.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Day 2 Post Op.......
11:13 am Still having a hard time managing the pain. I'm trying to use the Morphine as little as possible so that I can break out of this place. I have already had to have it twice this morning, so I might not get to go home today. I guess we will have to wait and see.
4:11 pm I had just woken up from a nap when my nurse and the Resident came into my room. She let me know that she had the papers drawn up for me to leave. I was kind of taken aback because because Dr. Mason had stopped in this morning and he felt like maybe another days stay might be in order, since I had to have the strong medication still that morning. I t seemed that I should stay until I was not needing anything stronger than the oral medication I would be sent home with. The Resident was set on me going home so I gave in.
4:11 pm I had just woken up from a nap when my nurse and the Resident came into my room. She let me know that she had the papers drawn up for me to leave. I was kind of taken aback because because Dr. Mason had stopped in this morning and he felt like maybe another days stay might be in order, since I had to have the strong medication still that morning. I t seemed that I should stay until I was not needing anything stronger than the oral medication I would be sent home with. The Resident was set on me going home so I gave in.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Day 1 Post Op......
I'm trying so hard to be strong, but this pain is close to breaking me. The pain is unbearable most of the time. Nothing could have prepared me for the pain that is rocking through my body. Last night I had a pain wave through my body that was beyond anything I have ever felt. It started as a pinching pain in the side of my right breast. I pushed the call button and when the corpsman came in I had begun to cry already. I explained that the pain was building quickly. "Building quickly" was and understatement, the pain became more and more intense and my cries turned into sobbing, wailing, moaning and even screaming. The nurse came in and said she would need to call my doctor and ask what he wanted her to do.
For the next twenty minutes I was in hell. I was white knuckling the bed and crying out in prayer "PLEASE God, give me the strength. PLEASE Lord, bring me comfort." I was alone and while I laid in bed in excruciating pain, there were people in the hallway laughing and chatting. No one came to my side. In those moments, I have never felt so alone, and I have never felt so much misery. As hard as it is for me to say, I actually felt some suicidal thoughts. I wanted nothing more than for the pain to stop, and actually had thoughts of taking my own life. How is that for raw and real?
After what seemed like a lifetime, the nurse returned and me a double dose of the Morphine and well as a dose of Toradol. The relief came quickly and I was so grateful for the calm that took over my body. I still can't believe that with a ward full of caretakers, no one came to my side to even TRY to take care of me.
Josh, Carol and the kids came again tonight to visit. Seeing them really lifts my spirits. They were not able to stay too long because I was really struggling with the pain. I am exhausted, it really wipes me out. I am going to try to go get comfortable and see if I can rest.
For the next twenty minutes I was in hell. I was white knuckling the bed and crying out in prayer "PLEASE God, give me the strength. PLEASE Lord, bring me comfort." I was alone and while I laid in bed in excruciating pain, there were people in the hallway laughing and chatting. No one came to my side. In those moments, I have never felt so alone, and I have never felt so much misery. As hard as it is for me to say, I actually felt some suicidal thoughts. I wanted nothing more than for the pain to stop, and actually had thoughts of taking my own life. How is that for raw and real?
After what seemed like a lifetime, the nurse returned and me a double dose of the Morphine and well as a dose of Toradol. The relief came quickly and I was so grateful for the calm that took over my body. I still can't believe that with a ward full of caretakers, no one came to my side to even TRY to take care of me.
Josh, Carol and the kids came again tonight to visit. Seeing them really lifts my spirits. They were not able to stay too long because I was really struggling with the pain. I am exhausted, it really wipes me out. I am going to try to go get comfortable and see if I can rest.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Everything went well, THANK YOU!
Pastor Wes arrived shortly after we did, We visited with him for a little while and then the nurse cam in and said it was time for me to go. He prayed for me and for the doctors who would be operating on me, and then I was off. I was led back to the "staging area" and I got onto a gurney and settled in. Even as they prepared me for the operating room, I still felt totally at peace. It really was an amazing feeling and I quietly said a prayer thanking God for the watch he was keeping over me.
The surgery went well, according to the doctors. It took about five hours for the surgeons to finish their work and then about an hour for me to wake up in recovery. When I arrived in my hospital room the pain started coming on very strong. My nurse and corpsman were amazing. They used Morphine and Toradol to help with the pain and it worked very well.
I had not planned on having my kids come to the hospital tonight. I thought I might be really groggy and out of it, and I didn't want the kids to see me like that. It ended up that I was pretty alert so I called Josh and asked them all to come see me. Even thought it had only been a short time, but I missed my family so much already and I just wanted to hug and kiss them.
When the family arrived I got very emotional. I had made it through the surgery and seeing their faces reminded me again why I had gone through all of this. Preventing a Breast Cancer diagnosis so that they don't ever have to see me sick, or go through the worry. I also knew, looking at their faces, that they were the strength I would need to get through the next several months of healing and the other surgeries I might need.
Off to get some rest. Thank you again, sooooo much, for all of your thoughts and prayers.
The surgery went well, according to the doctors. It took about five hours for the surgeons to finish their work and then about an hour for me to wake up in recovery. When I arrived in my hospital room the pain started coming on very strong. My nurse and corpsman were amazing. They used Morphine and Toradol to help with the pain and it worked very well.
I had not planned on having my kids come to the hospital tonight. I thought I might be really groggy and out of it, and I didn't want the kids to see me like that. It ended up that I was pretty alert so I called Josh and asked them all to come see me. Even thought it had only been a short time, but I missed my family so much already and I just wanted to hug and kiss them.
When the family arrived I got very emotional. I had made it through the surgery and seeing their faces reminded me again why I had gone through all of this. Preventing a Breast Cancer diagnosis so that they don't ever have to see me sick, or go through the worry. I also knew, looking at their faces, that they were the strength I would need to get through the next several months of healing and the other surgeries I might need.
Off to get some rest. Thank you again, sooooo much, for all of your thoughts and prayers.
Here we go.....
We are on our way to the hospital. I am not sure if I am just too tired or what, but at the moment I am at peace. I think it is more likely that my Pink Army and all their prayers and positive thoughts have been heard. I know I have a few awesome guardian angels with me today too. Thank you again everyone.
See you on the other side!
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