The day has come. The past week or so has been miserable. My days have been filled with anxiety and panic attacks. I tried so hard to calm my nerves but struggled and I just want to get on with it. Pastor Wes will come this morning and meet us at the hospital. I think having him pray over me before I go back to the operating room will be nice.
Amazingly this morning I feel calm. From the moment I woke up this morning I felt the presence of my guardian angels surrounding me. As I got dressed and got ready to leave, I literally feel like I took some Xanax, that is how calm I feel right now. It has been a VERY pleasant suprise.
Gotta finish getting ready, its almost time to go.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Monday, September 12, 2011
Tomorrow.....
My Aunt Carol arrived today. She will be here through Friday and I feel so comforted having her here. My family and I are very close with my Aunt, Uncle and Cousin. I know that she will take great care of my home and I feel relieved that her motherly love will be with my husband and kids in the coming days.
I am ready to get this over with. I am off to bed, my arrival time is 630 am. Goodnight!
I am ready to get this over with. I am off to bed, my arrival time is 630 am. Goodnight!
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
One Week.....
The kids started school today. I love my kids soooooo much! I can't believe that my oldest started Junior High today. He is getting so big and he is growing into to such a neat young man. Zachary is a sixth grader this year so he is at the top of the totem pole this year at the school. My princess Olivia is a first grader this year and could not be more beautiful. She is such a sweet little girl and so much fun.
So, we are down to just one week. I am starting to put things together for my hospital stay. It will be at least a 2-3 days stay. Most likely I will be pretty drugged up the first day, but I am going to bring some yarn for crocheting and my iPad so I can read my book. I'm not looking forward to being away from my family. Hopefully time will go by quickly and my stay won't be extended.
I'm still having really bad panic attacks. Pretty much anytime anyone brings up my surgery I feel my heart start to race and my chest tighten. Its a HORRIBLE feeling. Part of me is dreading surgery day but another part of me just wants to get this over with. I don't understand why I am having such a hard time with this. I am so incredibly blessed to have so many wonderful supportive people around me. So many people have sent me emails and messages on facebook, my blog, etc. and have told me that they will be wearing pink and that I will be in their thoughts and prayers on Wednesday. It is such an amazing feeling to know that so much positive energy will be going up on that day. Thank you to everyone who is by my side through this journey. If you would please send up some thoughts and prayers during the next seven days, that would be awesome too!
Something I have realized in the last week is that there really isn't enough support out there for those of us that have this surgery. My goal is to hopefully open a website with information, message boards, real life stories, etc. I would also LOVE to someday publish a book along the same lines. There needs to be more information/support out there for those of us that are high risk. Real life stories help so much when it comes to things like this. To help you know at least a little bit more about such a major decision. So I hope to have the opportunity to get the word out, as best I can.
That is all for now!
Gretchen
Saturday, September 3, 2011
All The Preop is Finished......
Yesterday I met with the general surgeon for my preop appointment. We went over all the details again and he made sure I didn't have anymore questions or concerns. He explained that his part of the surgery would be 2 1/2-3 hours and my plastic surgeon's part will take at least another 2 1/2 hours. I asked him the few questions that I still had and that was it. Then I went upstairs to the APU and did all my preop stuff with the anesthesiologist, admin, nurse, etc. So that's it, now I just call the night before my surgery and get the official arrival time.
I met with my plastic surgeon the August 23rd. He is awesome! He is so patient, and takes the time to answer any question or concern I bring to him. I had requested that they do the nipple sparing surgery if at all possible. It is important to me because I feel like it will help me not be so detached from my new breasts. He said that instead of doing the incisions around my nipples, they will do the incision under my breasts in the crease. This will make the nipple sparing surgery more successful. If they do the incision around the nipple there would be a risk of some or all of the tissue dying and then I would lose my nipples for sure. He also said that he would like to try to do the surgery a little differently than we had originally planned. He was going to put tissue expanders in and then eventually do another surgery to put in the implants. Instead, he would like to try something that is a newer procedure. After the mastectomy is done, if the skin flaps are not too "angry" he will put implants in that same day. That would cut down on one surgery which would be great.
I am so grateful to have such awesome support from my family and friends. I know that I have so many people who are praying for me and sending up positive thoughts. I came up with the idea of making an event on Facebook called Gretchen's "Wear Pink" Day. I invited my friends and family to wear something pink on my surgery day. The idea behind it is that if my loved ones wear something pink that day, when they see the pink they will remember why they are wearing it and say a prayer or send up positive energy, so I will have all that to draw strength from. I can't wait to see the pictures of their smiling faces when I am awake enough to sign on.
I want to take this opportunity to thank my husband. I would not be able to do this without him. He is so patient and reassuring when I am breaking down. He sat on the floor with me last night and listened to my semi irrational thoughts. He was so patient, and he sweetly brought me back to reality and held me tight. Amazing, that is what he is. Having him by my side through this is going to be my saving grace. I love you honey, so so much.
Gretchen
I met with my plastic surgeon the August 23rd. He is awesome! He is so patient, and takes the time to answer any question or concern I bring to him. I had requested that they do the nipple sparing surgery if at all possible. It is important to me because I feel like it will help me not be so detached from my new breasts. He said that instead of doing the incisions around my nipples, they will do the incision under my breasts in the crease. This will make the nipple sparing surgery more successful. If they do the incision around the nipple there would be a risk of some or all of the tissue dying and then I would lose my nipples for sure. He also said that he would like to try to do the surgery a little differently than we had originally planned. He was going to put tissue expanders in and then eventually do another surgery to put in the implants. Instead, he would like to try something that is a newer procedure. After the mastectomy is done, if the skin flaps are not too "angry" he will put implants in that same day. That would cut down on one surgery which would be great.
I am so grateful to have such awesome support from my family and friends. I know that I have so many people who are praying for me and sending up positive thoughts. I came up with the idea of making an event on Facebook called Gretchen's "Wear Pink" Day. I invited my friends and family to wear something pink on my surgery day. The idea behind it is that if my loved ones wear something pink that day, when they see the pink they will remember why they are wearing it and say a prayer or send up positive energy, so I will have all that to draw strength from. I can't wait to see the pictures of their smiling faces when I am awake enough to sign on.
I want to take this opportunity to thank my husband. I would not be able to do this without him. He is so patient and reassuring when I am breaking down. He sat on the floor with me last night and listened to my semi irrational thoughts. He was so patient, and he sweetly brought me back to reality and held me tight. Amazing, that is what he is. Having him by my side through this is going to be my saving grace. I love you honey, so so much.
Gretchen
Friday, September 2, 2011
Eleven Days And Counting.....
The emotions I am feeling now are very different than they have been in the months leading up to my mastectomy. Thoughts that haven't come to me until now, that Im really having a tough time sorting through.
This journey actually started when I was fifteen. I can still picture the doctors office, the room I was in, and the conversation I had with the doc. She did my physical and then we went through my family history. Then it came. She looked in my eyes and said "I can't tell you how important it is to stay diligent with your monthly self exams. With your family history it is not a mater of IF, but WHEN, and the most important thing will be to catch it early". That dark gray cloud has loomed over my head for the last nineteen years. I have been diligent, twice I have had scares. Its a HORRIBLE feeling.
Like I have said before, I have been very proactive about my breast health because I have always had that doctors voice in the back of my head with how important it was to catch it early. I not only do my monthly breast exams but I also go into my doc for a clinical breast exam every 6 months. My breasts are pretty lumpy anyways, and so I have always worried I would miss something, so I go in and let someone do an exam who is trained on what a suspicious lump would feel like. I think it was about 4 years ago that I started thinking about this surgery. The biggest reason I wanted to do the surgery is because I don't want to ever get the diagnosis of Cancer. I don't want my family to have to go through hearing that diagnosis either. My children were my biggest motivation. I never want them to have to worry about me. I don't want them to have to see me go through any sort of treatment. I want to do anything I can to protect them from that.
I started searching the web for information and anything I could find on the surgery I wanted to have. It was frustrating because I couldn't find anything except the clinical websites that had all the basic information about the surgery. More than anything I wanted to find a site that had more of a real life perspective, maybe some personal stories, pictures, etc. My experience in California was basically a dead end, so I also gave up on the web search. I started searching again earlier this year when the awesome docs at Madigan Army Hospital opened the doors to having the surgery. Again, my search on the web kept coming up with the clinical sites and I was getting very discouraged. I remember taking a moment to say a prayer, asking for some support and guidance in finding the information I so desperately wanted.
Shortly thereafter the answer to my prayer came. It was like a huge bulletin board with blinking lights, I knew in my heart that God had a hand in finding the site I did. I have mentioned before that I found a blog written by a young lady named April who was going through the same surgery and reconstruction that I am having. Her blog was so amazing! She wrote about EVERYTHING, describing in detail about what she was feeling before and after her surgery, she talked about both the physical and the emotional pain she was feeling, she even posted pictures. As I read through her blog I felt so incredibly blessed. It really helped me see what I might go through during this journey.
In the last several months, I have prepared. I have made arrangements to have my Aunt Carol come and help during the first week. She will be here to get the kids off to school and meet them as they get home from school. Then Josh is taking leave the second week. I am pretty sure that the first couple weeks will be the hardest. I have been telling everyone that I am taking two weeks to recover. During those two weeks I have told everyone that I won't be working, not to expect me at any socials, etc. I have arranged to have meals provided by some of my awesome ladies from the ship, so my family doesn't have to worry about that. I have started seeing a therapist to help me prepare as much as I can mentally and emotionally, as well as help me after the surgery with whatever comes up emotionally. So yeah, I have prepared.
I have prepared, as many ways as I could think to prepare. And now, with twelve days to go before the surgery, I feel like I am falling apart. Panic attacks are coming on throughout the day with different triggers. At times I have felt that I was on the verge of a total nervous breakdown. So many thoughts running through my head right now. Josh told me tonight to stop thinking about things that I cant change and things that we don't know if they will be an issue or not. Its just the fear of the unknown. One of the biggest things I am feeling right now is that when I wake up from the surgery I will be forever changed, I will never be the same. I am worried that I am going to lose feeling in my breasts and that if I don't have feeling, will I feel like I have two foreign objects on my body?
The other thing I am struggling with is, where do I fit in? There are lots of different support groups, message boards, websites, etc for Breast Cancer Survivors. Don't get me wrong, that is AWESOME! But what about those of us who have prophylactic double mastectomies? I can't find anything. Its kind of discouraging. In the past I have felt so much comfort having the opportunity to talk to people on message boards and in groups to share experiences such as pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding, weight loss, etc. So yeah, I don't know where I fit in, and that is hard.
This was a super long post, so if you have made it through the whole post, THANK!!! :)
God Bless,
Gretchen
This journey actually started when I was fifteen. I can still picture the doctors office, the room I was in, and the conversation I had with the doc. She did my physical and then we went through my family history. Then it came. She looked in my eyes and said "I can't tell you how important it is to stay diligent with your monthly self exams. With your family history it is not a mater of IF, but WHEN, and the most important thing will be to catch it early". That dark gray cloud has loomed over my head for the last nineteen years. I have been diligent, twice I have had scares. Its a HORRIBLE feeling.
Like I have said before, I have been very proactive about my breast health because I have always had that doctors voice in the back of my head with how important it was to catch it early. I not only do my monthly breast exams but I also go into my doc for a clinical breast exam every 6 months. My breasts are pretty lumpy anyways, and so I have always worried I would miss something, so I go in and let someone do an exam who is trained on what a suspicious lump would feel like. I think it was about 4 years ago that I started thinking about this surgery. The biggest reason I wanted to do the surgery is because I don't want to ever get the diagnosis of Cancer. I don't want my family to have to go through hearing that diagnosis either. My children were my biggest motivation. I never want them to have to worry about me. I don't want them to have to see me go through any sort of treatment. I want to do anything I can to protect them from that.
I started searching the web for information and anything I could find on the surgery I wanted to have. It was frustrating because I couldn't find anything except the clinical websites that had all the basic information about the surgery. More than anything I wanted to find a site that had more of a real life perspective, maybe some personal stories, pictures, etc. My experience in California was basically a dead end, so I also gave up on the web search. I started searching again earlier this year when the awesome docs at Madigan Army Hospital opened the doors to having the surgery. Again, my search on the web kept coming up with the clinical sites and I was getting very discouraged. I remember taking a moment to say a prayer, asking for some support and guidance in finding the information I so desperately wanted.
Shortly thereafter the answer to my prayer came. It was like a huge bulletin board with blinking lights, I knew in my heart that God had a hand in finding the site I did. I have mentioned before that I found a blog written by a young lady named April who was going through the same surgery and reconstruction that I am having. Her blog was so amazing! She wrote about EVERYTHING, describing in detail about what she was feeling before and after her surgery, she talked about both the physical and the emotional pain she was feeling, she even posted pictures. As I read through her blog I felt so incredibly blessed. It really helped me see what I might go through during this journey.
In the last several months, I have prepared. I have made arrangements to have my Aunt Carol come and help during the first week. She will be here to get the kids off to school and meet them as they get home from school. Then Josh is taking leave the second week. I am pretty sure that the first couple weeks will be the hardest. I have been telling everyone that I am taking two weeks to recover. During those two weeks I have told everyone that I won't be working, not to expect me at any socials, etc. I have arranged to have meals provided by some of my awesome ladies from the ship, so my family doesn't have to worry about that. I have started seeing a therapist to help me prepare as much as I can mentally and emotionally, as well as help me after the surgery with whatever comes up emotionally. So yeah, I have prepared.
I have prepared, as many ways as I could think to prepare. And now, with twelve days to go before the surgery, I feel like I am falling apart. Panic attacks are coming on throughout the day with different triggers. At times I have felt that I was on the verge of a total nervous breakdown. So many thoughts running through my head right now. Josh told me tonight to stop thinking about things that I cant change and things that we don't know if they will be an issue or not. Its just the fear of the unknown. One of the biggest things I am feeling right now is that when I wake up from the surgery I will be forever changed, I will never be the same. I am worried that I am going to lose feeling in my breasts and that if I don't have feeling, will I feel like I have two foreign objects on my body?
The other thing I am struggling with is, where do I fit in? There are lots of different support groups, message boards, websites, etc for Breast Cancer Survivors. Don't get me wrong, that is AWESOME! But what about those of us who have prophylactic double mastectomies? I can't find anything. Its kind of discouraging. In the past I have felt so much comfort having the opportunity to talk to people on message boards and in groups to share experiences such as pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding, weight loss, etc. So yeah, I don't know where I fit in, and that is hard.
This was a super long post, so if you have made it through the whole post, THANK!!! :)
God Bless,
Gretchen
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Another appointment with Dr. P
I had another appointment with Dr P today. He is awesome and I trust him 100%. He has decided that instead of doing the tissue expanders, he is going to see if he can put the implants in during the mastectomy surgery. He is also going to do a lift, so the positive part of this whole thing is that in the end, my boobs are going to look great!
G
G
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Surgery Date Was Changed
I got an email last week from my plastic surgeon. He let me know that he needed to change my surgery date from September 19th to the 13th. Just reading the words made my heart race.......almost a week earlier. I am glad that I made the choice to start seeing a counselor. He is great and I feel comfortable with him, I believe he will be a great help during this process.
A friend of mine, who I met through the ships spouses group, is walking in the Breast Cancer 3 Day Walk on September 16-18th. She came up to me at the last function I was at and let me know that she would like to add me to her list of people she is walking for. She said that she felt like I was a Survivor of a different kind, because I am choosing to do all I can to prevent a Cancer diagnosis. I had never thought of it that way.
So, next step is my pre op appointment with both surgeons on the 23rd. From then I think the next month is going to fly by and before I know it I will be packing my bag for the hospital. I am so scared of the surgery and the recovery, but I feel some relief that I am finally going to be able to get this over with. Thank you to all of you for your continued thoughts and prayers. I am truly blessed.
A friend of mine, who I met through the ships spouses group, is walking in the Breast Cancer 3 Day Walk on September 16-18th. She came up to me at the last function I was at and let me know that she would like to add me to her list of people she is walking for. She said that she felt like I was a Survivor of a different kind, because I am choosing to do all I can to prevent a Cancer diagnosis. I had never thought of it that way.
So, next step is my pre op appointment with both surgeons on the 23rd. From then I think the next month is going to fly by and before I know it I will be packing my bag for the hospital. I am so scared of the surgery and the recovery, but I feel some relief that I am finally going to be able to get this over with. Thank you to all of you for your continued thoughts and prayers. I am truly blessed.
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