Not really sure how else to describe it. I just feel a little numb. I know that without realizing it, the reality is really setting in and I'm having some bad days. I was speaking to someone today and she said she could tell that something was "off", that I wasn't myself. I'm trying to pick myself up when I start feeling it, but some days are a little more difficult than others. As I have mentioned before, I KNOW I am making the right decision in having the surgery, and I am at peace with my decision. I have prayed many a prayers, and my God has even gone as far as sending what I believe was a direct message through a dear friend. Because of the words that she was compelled to share with me, I was reminded of the biggest reason that I started researching this surgery several years ago and I felt a wonderful feeling of relief.
It was in 2007 I think. We were new to the neighborhood and I had met an amazing woman who was a Survivor. From the first time that I met her, the energy and vibrance was inspiring. Her two children were friends with my Hunter and Zachary, which is how I came to meet her in the first place. I had been told by one of the boys that they had seen a picture in Lucky's mom and she was bald. I of course knew that this was most likely due to chemo. In the months that followed I learned of her story, and her fight. I couldn't help but think of what my children would have felt, watching me go through what she did. Another very inspiring gift she gave me was the opportunity to accompany her to Balboa where she received Iron infusions. The room that we would sit in while the infusion was taking place, was the same room where the other treatments, including chemo treatments were happening. It was amazing to sit in there and watch all the different experiences that these people were having. Some seemed very hopeful, upbeat and positive. Then there were others that my heart was breaking for. Fragile, scared, and lonely.
It was in building this bond with Kerri that I made the decision to be even more proactive then I already was. I just really don't want to put my family through that battle. If I can drastically reduce my chances of someday having that diagnosis, I will do whatever it takes. I have gone in for my mammograms each year for the last 7 years, I not only do my monthly breast exams but I go in and have a clinical breast exam done every 6 months because I don't want to miss something. In addition to those precautions I also nursed two of my children for an extended period because studies have shown that this can help reduce the risks. So yes, I am proactive.......but I want to do more. So it was about 3-4 years ago that I started thinking about having this surgery.
I had to fight for this at first. At Balboa, the breast health clinic wouldn't even put in a referral to a genetic doc, because they said my risk percentage was "not high enough". Fortunately the staff at Madigan Army Hospital has made this process very easy. This has made me realize even more that this is all in God's plan and now is the time for me to go through with it. We are near family, and I have an AMAZING group of Nimitz wives that I know will be there for my family with whatever we will need during this surgery and recovery time. In addition to my "blood" family, and my Navy family, I have an awesome "extended family" that lifts me up in prayer, which brings so much comfort.
Thank you to EVERYONE who has lifted me up in prayer, or just kept me in your thoughts. I have received so many wonderful notes of encouragement and it brings me so much peace knowing that I have all that positive energy on my side.
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